Archives: Resources

Resolve Conflict

Parents and teenagers inherently will experience conflict with one another. Adolescence is a time when independence and parental influence can clash. Teenagers don’t necessarily hold the same beliefs and values as their parents and their goal to have fun conflicts with their parents’ goal to keep them safe.

Communication

Be open to hearing your teenagers point of view. Try to let them finish before you talk. Be open about your
feelings. Explain your view simply
and briefly, making it clear that your
main concern is for their wellbeing for example, ‘I need to make sure you’re safe if you’re out at night. It
helps if you tell me where you’re going and who you’re with’.

Teenagers struggle to see Consequences

The teenage brain is developing so your teenager might not be able to see the risks and consequences of a
situation. They might not be able to see things from your perspective. Try to be flexible about little issues. This might mean your teen is more willing to listen and discuss bigger issues.

Strengthen relationship

Conflict is avoided by most because it creates an intense amount of uncertainty, discomfort and anxiety. Some of us start shaking, voices tend to raise and more-often-than-not things are said out of reaction which are not meant. Feelings get hurt and at times relationships can
be impacted. However, the most innovative solutions often arise out of conflict and it can strengthen our
relationships.

‘I statements’

Teenagers want and need boundaries and consequences while being loved and nurtured to become resilient adults. Parents should reflect how they parent in different situations, e.g. when stressed. Remember – Stay
Calm, Set Rules & Boundaries, Be Consistent, Show Love.

Be Authoritative

Using ‘I statements’ can help a parent express how they are feeling in a non- judgmental way and makes it easier for teenagers to hear what you have to say. E.g. ‘I feel disappointed when you don’t come in on time…because
I was worried about you…I would like you to come home on time.’

Your Child’s Sexuality – A Parent’s Guide

Introduction


Sexuality has always been a complicated and difficult subject for parents and young people to discuss. A complex combination of social norms, values, biology and traditions combine into a perfect storm of confusion and potential for conflict. Despite this, while parents and young people may have different ideas about what is or is not morally acceptable, parents generally would want their child to feel that they can be themselves around them. When a young person talks to their parents about an element of their sexual identity (or they learn about it from another source) it can be difficult. Parents will often want to be supportive, but may struggle to understand some of the terms or realities of what they are being told. There is clear evidence that many Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender (LGBT) people do not feel comfortable about being open about who they are with family members.

In the 2018 National LGBT survey, 23.8% of all LGBT people were open with none of the family members they lived with. Katz-Wise et. Al (2016) found that “one-third of youth experience parental acceptance, another third experience parental rejection, and the remaining third do not disclose their sexual orientation even by their late teenage years and early twenties” Many teens fear the reaction of their parents if or when they disclose their sexual orientation or gender identity. When recalling negative incidents, the National LGBT survey (2018) found that the most often named instigator was a parent or guardian.


While the vast majority of parents want their children to be happy and safe, there is stress on both sides of this difficult conversation. This stress, if not appropriately managed can have negative consequences. How you react will have an impact on the outcomes for your child. LGBT young people statistically have worse mental health outcomes – a report in 2014 found that “more than half of young gay people have suffered mental health issues, and 40 per cent have considered suicide” (Merrill, 2014). However, a parents support and love can help to mitigate these. Shilo & Savaya (2011) found that family support had a significant impact on the mental health and wellbeing of LGBT young people.
Additionally, it is important that a young person feels able to tell you about their sexual orientation. Rothman et al. (2012) found that having disclosed one’s sexual orientation was “associated with higher levels of the health risk behaviours and conditions”. Simply put, children are likely to have better outcomes if they feel comfortable telling their parents about their sexual orientation.

How to react


So, what should parents do when their young person opens up to them that they are not heterosexual (solely attracted to the opposite gender) or cisgender (that they identify as the same gender on their birth certificate)? Most importantly we would encourage parents to not panic. While parents may have suspected that this was the case, a confirmation can be shocking or difficult to initially process. It is common for parents to feel negative feelings – Baiocco et al. (2014) – suggested that parents are often concerned about what other people, friends and relatives could think about their sons and daughters sexuality, the judgment of other people, maybe even about their own parental skills. Tobkes & Davidson (2016) describe the three feelings of “loss” that a parent who has learnt of their child’s LGBT sexual orientation may feel:

Loss of a “traditional” life

Loss of a safe and easy life

Loss of a child

The final of these losses is often the cause of such extreme actions as telling a child that he or she is “no longer part of the family”. While feelings of loss or sadness are understandable, the long-term impact of a severe reaction such as this are highly damaging and difficult to overcome. Potoczniak et al (2009) found that the outcomes
from a negative reaction were sometimes very serious with 3% of those who “came out” becoming totally estranged from family and that disclosure in 4% of maternal relationships and 9% of paternal relationships either “totally destroyed or worsened an already bad relationship”. Even if you are highly upset or shocked by your child’s revelation, take care that any reaction you have does not have a lasting negative impact on your relationship.


It is understandable that parents may feel loss, however it is important to remember that nothing has actually been lost. While this may have been an aspect of your child that parents were unaware of previously, they are still the same person. Even if you considered yourself to be accepting of LGBT individuals, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (FFLAG), a charitable organisation dedicated to supporting LGBT individual’s families notes in their guide for parents that: “Many parents who believe that they are totally accepting of lesbian, gay or bisexual people, and who don’t consider themselves prejudiced or judgemental are likely to find themselves, if only temporarily, knocked off balance by an announcement that they have a lesbian, gay or bisexual daughter or son” Parents should remain mindful of the important role their support plays in their child’s self-worth and identity. Willoughby et al. (2008) notes: “Individuals’ perceptions of themselves are, in part, based on the ways they perceive their parents to view them. Thus, insofar as individuals feel rejected by their loved ones, they may be likely to see themselves as unlovable and unworthy”

You may need some time and space to process this news. That is normal, try to work through your feelings either not in the presence of your child or in such a manner that it does not make them feel it is their “fault”. Stonewall (2018) advises parents that regardless of their own feelings about “being gay”, “you love them and want them to be happy. The fact that they are gay or lesbian doesn’t change that”.

Communication and Terms


An important aspect of responding to your child “coming out”, is to listen. It is possible that you may have preconceived ideas of what certain terms mean, but sexual orientation is an individual experience. An additional challenge for parents is that the terms used to describe sexual orientation and gender identity are constantly
changing. While many parents will be familiar with “gay” or “homosexual”, the more modern concepts can seem baffling. The person best placed to tell you what this disclosure means for your child, is your child. However, it may also be helpful to familiarise yourself with very common terms. The acronym most commonly used is LGBTQIA+. These terms as defined by the Lesbian, Bisexual, Gay, and Transgender Resource Center of Michigan State
University are:

Lesbian – Term used to describe women who are exclusively or primarily attracted to other women in a romantic, erotic, and/or emotional sense. Not all women who engage in “homosexual behaviour” identify as lesbians, and as such this label should be used with caution

Gay – Used in some cultural settings to represent men who are exclusively or primarily attracted to other men in a romantic, erotic and/or emotional sense. Not all men who engage in “homosexual behaviour” identify as gay, and as such this label should be used with caution. Also a general term for gay men and lesbians.

Bisexual – A person who experiences sexual, romantic, physical, and/or spiritual attraction to people of their own gender as well as other genders, not necessarily at the same time, in the same way, or to the same degree

Transgender – A person who identifies with a gender other than that the gender they were assigned at birth. Sexual orientation varies and is not dependent on gender identity.

Queer/Questioning – An umbrella term which includes lesbians, gay men, bisexuals, trans* people, intersex persons, radical sex communities, and many other sexually transgressive communities. This term is sometimes used as a sexual
orientation label or gender identity label used to denote a non-heterosexual or cisgender identity without having to define specifics. A reclaimed word that was formerly used solely as a slur but that has been reclaimed by some folks in the LGBTQ community. Nevertheless, a sizable percentage of people to whom this term might apply still hold “queer‟ to be a hateful insult, and its use by heterosexual people is often considered offensive.

Intersex – Individual(s) born with the condition of having physical sex markers (genitals, hormones, gonads, or chromosomes) that are neither clearly male nor female. Intersex people are sometimes defined as having “ambiguous” genitalia.


Asexual – Person who does not experience sexual attraction. They may or may not experience emotional, physical, and/or romantic attraction. Asexuality differs from celibacy in that it is a sexual orientation, not a choice . The “+” symbol is an acknowledgement that these terms do not necessarily cover the entire spectrum of human sexuality. It simply leaves the process open to further development.

Stonewall (2018), a UK-based LGBT rights charity suggests that when a young person “comes out” to a parent they should allow the child to say their piece before asking questions. This can show them that you are a safe and understanding person to talk to about their sexuality or gender identity. This is important because just like if
they were heterosexual, if your child feels unsafe talking to you about sexuality or gender identity it can lead to serious omissions. They may take more risks, or fail to alert you if they are harassed or sexually assaulted.


What about if you suspect that your child or young person is LGBT, but they have not yet spoken to you? Relate (2018) notes that it is not helpful to pressure them to “come out” before they are ready. Instead, you should take steps to ensure that your home is a supportive place for them if they are LGBT. For example, making positive
comments about LGBT individuals and refusing to tolerate homophobic or transphobic language. Your child will tell you when they are ready, and you should be there for them when it is time.

Transgender children

For children or young people who are transgender, there are some important differences. First of all, it is important to understand that very young children (for example, under 5s) often show interest in toys or clothes that are not usually
associated with their gender (NHS, 2018). Therefore, as with LGB children, parents should not try to second guess if they suspect their child may be transgender. As with LGB children, parents should start by listening. Your child may choose to explore medical options as part of their identity. However, they may not. They may choose to “present” as one gender all of the time, or it may depend on the day. Action for Children (2018) notes that Adults should make every effort to address the child in the way they have requested. Your child’s gender identity can be confusing for them and for their parents, but a negative or hostile reaction is unlikely to have any positive outcomes.

Depending on your child’s age and desires, the next steps vary. Mermaids UK (2018), a support organisation for transgender people notes that medical transition in young people usually consists of taking hormone blockers after the initial stages of puberty which are completely reversible and simply pause puberty. While it is important to communicate with your child regarding what happens next, the focus should be on your initial reaction. Your child should know that you still love them unconditionally, and that you will support them.

Conclusion

There is no “right” way to deal with the fact that your child may be LGBT. Every family, and every individual is different and has different support requirements. If you suspect that your child may be LGBT, but they have not yet confided in you, seek out information to prepare yourself. If your child has recently informed you, remain calm and reassure them that you love them regardless of circumstances.

Talk to Children about Race, Racism and Diversity

Recently, international incidents have brought issues relating to race and racism into sharp focus. All around the world, people have been talking about these issues and what they mean for society. If your children are old enough to hear and understand news and current events it is highly likely that they will have at least heard about some of these. They may know about protests, have heard slogans or seen images on the internet or on television. Race and racism, as well as diversity can be tricky subjects to explain to children. They trigger strong emotions and reactions and some families may prefer to avoid difficult or uncomfortable conversations.
However, it is not necessarily in the best interests of your child to avoid the topic entirely. While Northern Ireland remains a fairly racially homogenous place – the exact figures for ethnic minorities will be updated by the 2021 census, but the most recent data from the 2011 census suggested 98% of the Northern Irish population was white1. This will have increased since then, but it is still accurate to say that white children from Northern Ireland will have fewer encounters with non-white children than their counterparts in England.
This means that children here may be less familiar with people from a different ethnic or racial background. A study in 2014 found that living in ethnically diverse communities tended to reduce racism2 because it creates what was called “passive tolerance”. People had or witnessed positive interactions in and ethnically diverse group and were generally more positive about them. This can be challenging in Northern Ireland – particularly if you live outside of Belfast or an area which is more ethnically mixed..
As parents, it is important that you encourage and promote anti-racist views in your children. In addition to being a good set of values to promote, it also helps to counter any false or racist information that they may become exposed to outside your home. As parents, you should try to be aware of what sort of information your children are accessing, and help them to get a balanced and accurate view of the world. As with most issues relating to parenting and children – the best approach is usually clear, safe and open communication between parent and child. Taking the time to discuss racism and diversity with your child can help safeguard them from harm.
Still – this can present its own challenges. The language of race and diversity can be complex, and the issues even more so. How should parents begin to discuss this with children who might seem too young to understand?
The first step is to not underestimate your child’s ability to understand issues relating to race. Caryn Park, a professor at Antioch University in Seattle noted that children as young as three are aware of race or skin colour and will often ask questions. Parents should respond in a way that makes it clear to children that it is okay for them to ask questions and talk about race7. Children will probably become aware of events either locally or internationally and may have strong emotions. It is good to talk about those emotions and explore how events make you children feel.
Another important step is making sure you, as the parent are in the right place to talk about these issues. It is possible that you are feeling fear, frustration or anger as a result of recent events. It is important that when you speak to your child about race you are able to be a calm, rational voice. This doesn’t necessarily mean letting go of anger or frustration – simply organising it in a way that helps you to communicate with your child8. Parents should try to be role models in this. Your child will look to you in order to determine how to behave around people of different ethnicities and racial backgrounds.
When they are young, children will often comment on everything – including race. Parents should be careful not to link statements about race with a positive or negative. If a child notices a person’s skin colour do not try to prevent them from talking about it. Simply agree and move on. However, if a child makes a negative association with race, it is important that a parent talk about it. If a child says something disparaging or wrong about a race or ethnicity, try asking:
“Why do you think that?”
“Where did you learn that?”
Address incorrect stereotypes without getting angry. Remember that children often get information for a wide range of sources, but may not fully understand the context of what the learn. When your children are old enough (primary school age, for example) it can be useful as a parent to point out any negative stereotypes you notice and talk about why they are wrong. An example might be:
“That joke was a little mean, making fun of the way someone talks. How does it make you feel?”
Occasionally, your children might ask questions that you don’t know the answers to. An important part of talking to children about any serious topic like race and racism is reflecting on your own knowledge and admitting to not having all the answers9. Carrying out research together to better understand issues is a great way to strengthen your child’s understanding as well as your own.
As your child gets older, they will often have a better understanding of race and diversity. They will also have developed their own ideas, views and concerns. Experts suggest that parents can help by empowering teenagers who are upset or seeking to act by steering them to be positive agents of change10. You should encourage teenagers to helpful and positive messages on social media, for example and stay away from negative or destructive actions.


http://www.ninis2.nisra.gov.uk/Download/Census%202011_Excel/2011/QS201NI.xls
https://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/white-people-become-less-racist-just-by-moving-to-more-diverse-areas-study-finds-9166506.html
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/10/12/opinion/sunday/white-supremacist-recruitment.html
https://www.vox.com/culture/2016/12/14/13576192/alt-right-sexism-recruitment
https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/on-parenting/do-you-have-white-teenage-sons-listen-up-how-white-supremacists-are-recruiting-boys-online/2019/09/17/f081e806-d3d5-11e9-9343-40db57cf6abd_story.html
https://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/northern-ireland/neo-nazi-linked-britains-most-active-far-right-group-come-to-belfast-37011511.html
https://www.nationalgeographic.com/family/in-the-news/talking-about-race/
https://edition.cnn.com/2020/06/01/health/protests-racism-talk-to-children-wellness/index.html
https://www.savethechildren.org/us/charity-stories/tips-teach-explain-racism-to-children
https://discoveries.childrenshospital.org/teens-racial-protests/

The Importance of Grandparents

The Importance of Grandparents

The role of a grandparent is special, with many grandparents finding they have more time to spend with their grandchildren than they had when raising their own children, and often more patience as they have been through it all before. While the relationship between a child and their parent is normally the closest the unique relationship between grandparents and grandchildren has been shown to be vital to the health and wellbeing of both generations. A study conducted by Oxford University found that when grandparents are more engaged with their grandchildren, those children have fewer emotional and behavioural issues.

Grandparents are often the storytellers carrying family history from one generation to the other. This is important to children’s sense of identity and belonging and children tend to be fascinated to hear how families have evolved and make a connection between a feature, talent or skill they have and that of a relative.

Many grandparents provide a place of safety and comfort to their grandchildren and a place where children can talk about the challenges of life and gain unwavering support. In fact, many teenagers find their grandparents shape their values, image of a positive relationship and provide guidance to help them on their journey to adulthood. While younger children find their grandparents provide stability and an element of fun, through outings and activities, that their own parents may not always have time to provide.

Families often look to grandparents to provide or help with childcare, and this gives an opportunity to spend regular time together and for strong relationships to develop between grandparents and their grandchildren.  If you do not see your grandchildren on a regular basis, plan for when you can get together, maybe on a weekly basis, and ensure you follow through on any arrangements you have made. When children are let down, and arrangements fall apart, children feel unimportant and find it hard to trust.

Unfortunately, this is not the case for all grandparents, and some find their contact with their grandchildren is limited due to parental separation, conflict in the family or distance between homes. The reassuring news is that there are lots of ways to maintain a relationship with a grandchild even if you cannot see them as often as you would like.

Technology has made it easier to build and maintain a relationship between grandparents and grandchildren. Platforms such as Facetime, Whatsapp and Zoom allow daily or weekly catch ups between family members and an insight into each other’s lives. Text messages and calls can also provide a way to communicate when it is not possible to see each other.

Following parental separation, contact can change with grandparents with some finding they are able to spend more time with their grandchildren and play a role in their upbringing, and others finding contact with their grandchild decreases or in some cases ceases completely. Grandchildren benefit from interaction and the support of their grandparents as they manoeuvre changes in the family following parental separation.

As life changes it is common for families to find themselves living further apart.  If you are a grandparent in this position, you will know how special it is when you can visit and spend time together and catch up in person rather than it being through technology or email/letters.

Whatever the circumstances do not underestimate the importance of the grandparent/grandchild relationship and work to build, strengthen and maintain the bond.

Staying in Touch with isolated relatives

During this trying time, almost every family is cut off from a loved relative. For many families, this distance can be reduced with technology. Smartphones, social media and e-mail are just some of the tools that can be used to keep us in touch with each other. This is not a universal solution, however. Many people – particularly those who are elderly and live in rural areas – do not have access to the technology that is taken for granted by many city-based and younger families.

In Fermanagh and Omagh district council, around 32% of households do not have access to superfast broadband. In Mid-Ulster around 24% do not have access. This means that if your relative lives in an area without sufficient internet speed, it would be very difficult to make use of technology to keep in touch. Before the pandemic, loneliness among older people was a serious issue – the Campaign to End Loneliness found that by 2025/26 two million over-50s will experience chronic loneliness. Loneliness has serious impacts on your mental and physical health, is as bad for your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day!

The current crisis enhances the challenge presented by isolation and loneliness in three important ways for families. Firstly, relatives who were already experiencing loneliness are likely to have those feelings intensify. Previously, there may have been social, community or religious events that they could attend. With the current restrictions, those are unlikely to resume for some time. Secondly, people who previously were not isolated or lonely may suddenly feel this way. Grandparents who previously provided a great deal of childcare may be totally unable to see grandchildren for instance. Finally, children and young people may experience negative emotions associated with no longer being able to see grandparents or other relatives. Particularly for younger children who had very close relationships with older relatives, this presents an unpleasant challenge.

However, while normal routines and activities have been disrupted, there are strategies parents can employ to address this. The first is writing a letter. A physical letter is a great way to ensure that children and grandparents remain in touch. For the time being, the Royal Mail has committed to providing a robust service including the delivery of post (correct as for 30th March, 20203). So, while it may be slower and less interactive than a video chat, a hand-written letter is a safe, no-contact way of keeping in touch with isolated relatives. Children and grandparents can even co-ordinate activities to do at the same time and talk about over letter. For example, they can both arrange to watch a film or TV show and discuss it over the letter. Letters do not need to only be written text – have children make drawings, art or even poetry to send to grandparents.

Secondly, while video calls may not be possible, a normal voice call still is. Particularly if the isolated family member has a landline, a phone call is a great way for a child to stay in touch. During this time of crisis, routines are particularly important for children. Set up a time for a call, and do it regularly. This may be daily or weekly, depending on the circumstances. Similar to the letters, it might be useful to coordinate topics. If you have started gardening or a new hobby for example. Alternatively, it might be possible for a grandparent to read a story to a child over the phone.

Finally, children may enjoy working with their parents to determine what would be best included in drop-offs of supplies. Relatives that are isolated will likely need things delivered to them, and while children should not accompany parents unless it is necessary, they can be involved in coming up with things to send them. These might be treats, ingredients for favourite dishes or anything else they can come up with. This will have the dual purpose of helping the child to feel involved in the welfare of their relative, and reminding the relative of the love of the child.

It can remain extremely difficult to ensure that isolated relatives do not experience extra loneliness. It takes a concerted effort from a family to maintain contact. Nonetheless, parents should see this as an opportunity to help and support those who must need it. Their older relatives and their children will both feel the benefits of a maintained healthy relationship.

1 – https://www.ofcom.org.uk/research-and-data/multi-sector-research/infrastructure-research/connected-nations-2019/nations-supplements
2 – https://www.campaigntoendloneliness.org/the-facts-on-loneliness/
3 – https://www.royalmail.com/d8/coronavirus-changes-service

Siblings

Siblings
Having more than one child can be complicated. While there is a huge amount of joy associated with siblings throughout life, there are also natural challenges. Nonetheless, during this time of isolation and social distancing, for many children their siblings are their only real peers. This article will look at some of the positive benefits of having siblings, and how parents can support good sibling relationships.
It is important to note that while siblings can bring advantages to families no parent should feel concerned if they have only one child. Siblings are by no means “mandatory”, and many of the benefits can be replicated by friends and family.
Firstly, there are studies that have found that having siblings has a beneficial effect on the mental and physical health of children1. Swedish researcher Therese Wallin found that siblings are less likely to suffer allergies, be obese or have depression. Siblings can start to influence each other right from birth2. When a new baby enters the household, the older sibling begins to gain social skills by interacting with their younger sibling. The younger sibling will gain cognitively from copying their older sibling, using their behaviour as a model. There is even evidence that the mental benefits of having siblings can last into adulthood, because people with siblings are statistically happier than those without.
Sisters – older or younger – have been found to improve their siblings mental health3. A study into the impact of sisters on their siblings found that the presence of a loving sister can reduce feelings of guilt, sadness and isolation. Sibling relationships are important and different from parent-child relationships and provide unique benefits. Brothers and sisters both improve the charitableness and general kindness of their siblings. In households where there was a strained or difficult parent-child relationship affection from siblings acted as a shield from some of the negative effects.
Interestingly, each child makes gains depending on where they come in the birth order. While youngest siblings have been found to be more adventurous and open to new experiences4. They have to find their own “niche” in the family and this promotes outgoingness and a desire to experience new things. Older siblings on the other hand tend to be more responsible and dependable than they would otherwise be5. Finally, middle children develop particularly astute conflict resolution skills6. As you can see, siblings have a unique and positive effect on each other. No two families are alike, so having siblings doesn’t mean child must be a certain way. Instead, it offers parents opportunities to promote positive characteristics in their children.
So, how can parents promote good sibling relationships? There is a lot of advice on supporting siblings and preventing sibling rivalry in our article here. However, here are a few tips for helping your children get along:
Give your children tasks to do together. For example, have the older sibling help the younger with their homework;
If you have the space in a garden, have sports “competitions” between siblings. This can involve running, body-weight exercises like push-ups or just kicking a ball around. Keep it light-hearted to ensure minimal conflict;
Encourage creative co-operational activities. Make a den or fort out of pillows, blankets or carboard.
It is also important to talk to your children and encourage them to see their siblings as their teammates. Competition and rivalry is common and normal under regular circumstances. During the challenge presented by the pandemic where everyone is stuck inside arguments are almost certainly going be more common. Therefore, parents can help to address this by being proactive. When you talk to your children, emphasise the fact that they are all in this together. That as a family, you will need to help and support each other. Get them to talk about how they might be there for each other when they are needed.
There is no sure-fire way to ensure consistent positive sibling relationships all of the time. Even if it was, remember that children do learn from some level of conflict. Parents shouldn’t necessarily attempt to prevent it entirely. During the crisis, try to focus on doing the best that you can to ensure that your children are kind to each other and have a positive relationship most of the time. More importantly, be realistic with what you can achieve. Don’t put undue pressure on yourself, and remember that every family is struggling right now. Do the best that you can, and ask for help if you need it.

1 – https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-23778123
2 – https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2014/11/27/366789136/your-adult-siblings-may-be-the-secret-to-a-long-happy-life?t=1586340879135
3 – https://news.byu.edu/news/sisters-give-siblings-better-mental-health-study-shows
4 – http://www.sulloway.org/BirthOrder-Sulloway-1999a.pdf
5 – https://www.researchgate.net/publication/10651698_Beliefs_About_Birth_Rank_and_Their_Reflection_in_Reality
6 – http://familyservices.us.com/pdf/A%20Review%20of%20200%20Birth-Order%20Studies-Lifestyle%20Characteristics.pdf

Promoting Good Sibling Relationships

Having more than one child can be complicated. While there is a huge amount of joy associated with siblings throughout life, there are also natural challenges. Nonetheless, during this time of isolation and social distancing, for many children their brothers or sisters are their only real peers. This article will look at some of the positive benefits of having siblings, and how parents can support good sibling relationships.
It is important to note that while siblings can bring advantages to families no parent should feel concerned if they have only one child. Siblings are by no means “mandatory”, and many of the benefits can be replicated by friends and family.
What does research say?
Firstly, there are studies that have found that having siblings has a beneficial effect on the mental and physical health of children. Swedish researcher Therese Wallin found that siblings are less likely to suffer allergies, be obese or have depression. Siblings can start to influence each other right from birth. When a new baby enters the household, the older sibling begins to gain social skills by interacting with their younger sibling. The younger sibling will gain cognitively from copying their older sibling, using their behaviour as a model. There is even evidence that the mental benefits of having siblings can last into adulthood, because people with siblings are statistically happier than those without.
Sisters – older or younger – have been found to improve their siblings mental health. A study into the impact of sisters on their siblings found that the presence of a loving sister can reduce feelings of guilt, sadness and isolation. Sibling relationships are important and different from parent-child relationships and provide unique benefits. Brothers and sisters both improve the charitableness and general kindness of their siblings. In households where there was a strained or difficult parent-child relationship affection from siblings acted as a shield from some of the negative effects.

Interestingly, each child makes gains depending on where they come in the birth order. While youngest siblings have been found to be more adventurous and open to new experiences. They have to find their own “niche” in the family and this promotes outgoingness and a desire to experience new things. Older siblings on the other hand tend to be more responsible and dependable than they would otherwise be. Finally, middle children develop particularly astute conflict resolution skills. As you can see, siblings have a unique and positive effect on each other. No two families are alike, so having siblings doesn’t mean child must be a certain way. Instead, it offers parents opportunities to promote positive characteristics in their children.
Promoting good relationships
There is a lot of advice on supporting siblings and preventing sibling rivalry in our article here. However, here are a few tips for helping your children get along:
⦁ Give your children tasks to do together. For example, have the older sibling help the younger with their homework;
⦁ If you have the space in a garden, have sports “competitions” between siblings. This can involve running, body-weight exercises like push-ups or just kicking a ball around. Keep it light-hearted to ensure minimal conflict;
⦁ Encourage creative co-operational activities. Make a den or fort out of pillows, blankets or carboard.
It is also important to talk to your children and encourage them to see their siblings as their teammates. Competition and rivalry is common and normal under regular circumstances. During the challenge presented by the pandemic where everyone is stuck inside arguments are almost certainly going be more common. Therefore, parents can help to address this by being proactive. When you talk to your children, emphasise the fact that they are all in this together. That as a family, you will need to help and support each other. Ask them how they could be there for each other when they are needed.
There is no sure-fire way to ensure consistent positive sibling relationships all of the time. Even if it was, remember that children do learn from some level of conflict. Parents shouldn’t necessarily attempt to prevent it entirely. During the crisis, try to focus on doing the best that you can to ensure that your children are kind to each other and have a positive relationship most of the time. More importantly, be realistic with what you can achieve. Don’t put undue pressure on yourself, and remember that every family is struggling right now. Do the best that you can, and ask for help if you need it.

Grandparenting During the Pandemic


Being a grandparent is normally a joyful experience, even if it provides challenges as well. Under normal circumstances, grandparents see themselves as a key pillar of support for families. In our research, Parenting NI found that around 40% of grandparents specifically name support as their role in modern society. This support comes in many forms, emotional, financial and practical. Despite this, many grandparents already felt isolated or lonely. While the pandemic is an extra difficult time for all families, it can also provide an opportunity to make a special effort with grandparents to ensure that they feel more connected.
During this crisis many grandparents have found their lives turned upside down. Those who had particularly close relations with grandchildren may be unable to see them at all. Grandparents who provided childcare are no longer able to do so. This can be an extremely stressful addition to an already difficult time for them. It can also be highly stressful for children. Many children get important social and emotional support from grandparents. Being cut off from this, as well as worrying about the health of their grandparents adds to the worries they are already experiencing.
In this short article, Parenting NI will provide advice and support for parents to ensure that grandparents and their grandchildren remain connected. Despite the physical distancing, there are many things families can do to support continued relationships.
The first step to supporting grandparents in this pandemic is establishing what their view their role as during normal circumstances. Are they providers of care? Do they support emotionally? Do they give practical help by cooking, yard work or DIY? Once parents understand what grandparents usually do, they can come up with inventive solutions. If they normally provide childcare, it might be a good idea for a regular call/video call to be established. This is no substitute for real quality time, but it can still help children and grandparents. They get to see and/or hear each other and this can offer reassurance that they are okay
If they normally do other physical activities, there may be innovative ways to facilitate this. For example, dropping off or picking up baked goods along with a delivery of food is a nice way to stay connected. Children may feel more relaxed or excited about having cookies or traybakes made by their grandmother. Their grandmother may feel better about having to miss out on playdates. If your child is enjoying anything their grandparents made for them – remember to snap a photo to send to let them know!
Alternatively, set up a video-call where a grandparent talks a child through planting seeds, starting knitting or other activities This can help children learn and allows grandparents to feel like they are giving help and support. An added bonus of this may be keeping children busy while parents are working, and in that way grandparents can continue to feel as though they are providing help for families.
Writing letters is a good way for children and grandparents to keep in touch. This has a number of additional benefits. For example, it helps children work on their writing. It also provides a physical memory of this time, to be looked back on during happier times. Parents should encourage children to write about their day and feelings. Including drawings and artwork for younger children is another way to improve connectedness.
During this difficult time, the best thing to do is talk. Talk to the grandparents, and see what they might like to try or do. Similarly, talk to children about what they would like to do to help their grandparents. Parents should be creative and supportive of ideas, and be patient with grandparents attempting to overcome technological hurdles. When the pandemic ends, parents will be glad that they made efforts to ensure that children and grandparents remained connected. It will help support their mental health, and may even result in a closer and more loving relationship.

Talkings to Teens about consent

Introduction

“Consent” has been a major news story both locally in Northern Ireland and more generally in the world recently. While it is a new issue, high-profile events have brought it into sharp focus for many parents. However, as children and young people gain easier and more diverse access to information regarding sexual activity, parents are often at a loss as to how to best talk to their children about what consent really means. Formal education often covers the more biological aspects of this topic, such as how pregnancy occurs or sexually-transmitted diseases. The Department of Education
does provide guidelines for relationships and sexual education (RSE) for schools, but the implementation of this is up to the school. So, although teenagers will get some advice and learning from school, explaining the more intricate, delicate social aspects of relationships and what is – or is not – okay is the responsibility of parents
which can be tricky for many.
While it is natural that parents should have some oversight of what their child knows and when, many find it embarrassing or challenging to have a “talk” about consent with their children. Clashes in morals, ideas and viewpoints are common. This report will outline how consent is defined, and give suggestions about talking to
teenagers about consent.


Legality

Firstly – age. The Sexual Offences (Northern Ireland) Order 2008 specifies that the “age of consent” is 16. The exact legal definition of giving consent in the order is: “A person consents if he agrees by choice, and has the freedom and capacity to make that choice.”
Legally, any sexual activity with someone aged under 16 cannot be legally defined as consensual. This is very important for parents to make clear to their young people – especially if they are in a relationship around the age of consent. The NSPCC (2018) notes that the laws are not designed to be used for under-16s who engage in mutually consensual activities.
However, this simply means that police are unlikely to pursue such a conviction, not that it is legal. The age of criminal responsibility in Northern Ireland is 10, meaning anyone above that age could theoretically be prosecuted for a crime. Parents should talk to their children, especially if they are in and around the age of consent. If one party is aged 18 or over, the risks are far greater, even if their partner is 16 or 17. The penalties for sexual activity involving someone under 13 are very severe, as they cannot give consent under any circumstances.

When parents talk to their children regarding the age of consent, it is unhelpful to simply attempt to scare them with potential legal consequences. Instead, a better approach might be to talk to them, and ensure that they understand how the law works, and what they can or cannot do without serious risk. It is best to address the issue head on – but do so in a way that suggests that you value and respect your child. Make sure to answer their questions as honestly as you can – if you aren’t sure of answers, seek them out together.


Talking to Children – How do I explain consent to very young children?

When to have “the talk”, and what to include is a challenge every parent goes through. Every child is different. While your own parental experiences are useful, modern sexuality and sexual behaviour may be quite different than your own
experiences. Many parents struggle with what they should or shouldn’t share with children, particularly those who are very young. Research suggests though, that it is almost never too early to discuss consent. The most basic principle of consent is simple – that there are two people involved and their wishes are equally valid. Therefore, if one person doesn’t wish to participate in an activity, then the other shouldn’t try to force them. This applies to sexual activity, but equally it is relevant to play or other age-appropriate activities. While young children are not ready for this information with regards to sexual consent, they can understand this in terms of other activities. Hamam (2017) notes that even toddlers can be taught basic principles regarding consent. It is natural for young children to want to kiss or hug friends or strangers. Parents should ensure that they encourage their children to ask if their friends want to hug goodbye.
Additionally, it is helpful for parents to lead by example not forcing them to kiss or hug a relative or friend if it is clear they would prefer not to. The point of these exercises is not to dampen the affection between a child and the parent. Instead, it is to allow the child to gain an early understanding that affection – even when it is meant with positivity – is something that involves two-way consent, and about teaching them about choice, not being forced to do something.
When they are a little older and more ready, it is useful to start to discuss these issues with children. Wilson et al. (2010) noted that parents who “had started talking to their children about sex when their children were very young, with issues like boys’ and girls’ anatomy and where babies come from” found it easier to discuss sexual consent later. By beginning to speak about these issues, parents can ease into more serious or difficult conversations later in life.
Another important aspect of talking about consent to young children is making sure they understand that there are areas of their own bodies that are private. This helps to keep them safe by explaining boundaries. Making sure that they know that people have parts of their bodies that are not to be touched or seen without consent also
teaches them early about what is okay for them to do. There are a number of excellent resources to support parents with this – for example the NSPCC’s “Pants” campaign.
In the end, only the parent themselves can know how ready their child is to talk about these issues. However, discussing giving and getting consent in a non-sexual manner early on, and stressing the importance of consent can be helpful in defining attitudes later in life.


What do they know? – Teens

There are aspects of consent that are relevant regardless of gender. These become acutely important as your child develops into adolescence. Coy et al. (2013) found that:
“Young people’s understandings of consent in the abstract are relatively clear, but when applied to real situations, gendered codes of behaviour and victim blame change how they make sense of sexual negotiation” This means that teenagers often understand that consent is important, but struggle to see how this applies to them. The common idea is that girls are the “gatekeepers” and boys are “initiators”. This means that boys are imagined to be on a permanent
quest to engage in sexual activity, while girls are responsible for preventing “immoral” behaviour. This is reinforced by popular culture, social circles and society as a whole. Jacobson (2018) notes that often, conversations between parents and girls or boys about sex and consent are dramatically different. Girls are told that they “need to keep themselves safe”, but this puts the burden of consent purely on the girl. By contrast, “boys get the message that sex — having it, or getting it — is tied to being confident, and powerful, and masculine”. However, this can be damaging. For girls, it is disempowering. They are taught confusing ideas that their job is to “just say no”, but at the same experiencing real-life situations where they find it difficult (or dangerous) to do so. Burkett & Hamilton (2012) noted “the contradictory
ways in which [girls] perceptions of their personal sexual agency … contrasted to their constrained experiences of having sex”. Allowing your teenage daughter to believe that this is the truth about consent shames her for desiring sex. It also causes her to potentially blame herself for “not saying no” to an encounter she did not desire, but felt pressured into. This can have long-lasting psychological impacts, for example Donde (2017) found that “women who had experienced rape blamed their perpetrators the least, whereas they blamed themselves and society the most”. Part of this is related to the victim’s understanding of consent – women who “had not been as clear in refusing sex blamed themselves more” (Donde, 2017). Clearly, this self-blame is not only destructive to the victim, but perpetuates the myth that consent means “not saying no”, rather than being told“yes”. For young boys, this often works in the reverse. Boys can feel shamed if they do not relentlessly seek sexual activity. According to a 2003 survey by the Kaiser Family
Foundation, one in three teen boys feel pressurised to have sex. Potard et al (2008) found that “Boys felt more pressure than girls did” to have sex, and that 42% of teens studied had felt either moderate or significant pressures to have sex.
Sexual activity is tied to self-image and confidence with boys. Hilton (2001) suggested that “low self-esteem is one of the causes of disaffection with school and the retreat into macho attitudes towards girls and towards sexual relationships”. The result of these attitudes is that boys often fail to seek consistent, enduring and repeated consent for sexual activity. This also increases the risk that boys will not report abuse, because they think people will assume that “they must have wanted it”. With these contradictory and damaging societal ideas about consent, it is easy to
see how parents might struggle to discuss it. Not only do parents have to overcome the embarrassment of talking about sex and consent, but they must also break through cultural ideas that have become embedded over generations.
How to talk to your teenager Thankfully, parents are not alone in this. There are a number of organisations that
can help plan the best way to talk to your teenage children about consent, Once your child is a teenager, there are a number of strategies that can work. These are:

  • Talk to your teen: Ask their opinions on consent. You might want to use a highprofile event as a starting point. You might ask “Did you hear about that in the news?
    What do you think about that?” By starting the discussion by asking their views, you
    avoid them feeling like this is a lecture.
  • Talk about what is and is not consent. Make sure that they understand how
    important verbal, consistent and repeated consent is. Make sure both boys and girls
    know that flirting, clothing and “not being told no” do not necessarily mean consent is
    given.
  • Encourage your children to make sure others are okay too – talk to them about
    what they might do if one of their friends seemed to be in an uncomfortable situation.
    Ask them what they might do if their friend was the one acting irresponsibly.
  • Eliminate self-blame. Tell them that they always have a right to be respected,
    and that consent needs to be sought and given by both parties.
  • Make sure they understand how to say no, and how to recognise when someone
    else might be saying no.
  • Get rid of notions about gatekeepers and initiators. Make sure your teen knows
    that it is normal for both boys and girls to want to have sex, but that is also okay if
    they don’t want to.
  • Ask for support! There are plenty of organisations that can help you.
    Keep in mind that your teen will most likely not get this information from school. If
    parents shy away to have a conversation about consent with their teens, the
    likelihood is that they will learn about it from friends or the internet.
    This conversation is awkward and difficult, but it is also highly important.

Communications

Parenting NI understands that these are difficult and uniquely challenging times. We have provided this article in the hope that the advice and information contained will be useful to your family during this period. Even when this pandemic has passed these strategies can help to improve communication and reduce conflict in your home.
Living in newly relatively confined circumstances can be challenging for anyone. If you and your partner are newly working from home and your children are no longer at school your home may feel very busy. Families – particularly children – often miscommunicate under the best of circumstances. This article will contain some information and advice on how best to communicate during this crisis.
Obviously, there are different strategies that work for younger or older children. However, some things are universal. In their report for UNICEF, Kolucki and Lemish1 stratify children into three sub-sets – early years, middle years and early adolescent years. They outline four principles regarding communication with children;
Communication should be age-appropriate and child friendly;
Communication should address the child as a whole – and bear in mind their own personality;
Communication should be positive and strengths-based;
Communication should talk about everyone’s needs, including those who are disadvantaged.
Taking the current crisis as an example, children may not understand words like “pandemic”. They may struggle with concepts like “self-isolation”. This lack of understanding may lead to a child or young person being frightened or confused. In older children, this might lead to them taking unnecessary risks or ignoring official advice.
Parents know their children best – when attempting to explain a complicated idea to a child, use examples they are familiar with. Equally, if you find yourself struggling to explain, take this as an opportunity to learn together. Do not guess, instead look up answers together. Ask your child what they understand already and be sure to correct any disinformation. The UN recommends a strategy they call ‘Child-Friendly Honesty’ when talking about the coronavirus, for example2. This means using language they understand, watching their reactions and being sensitive to their anxiety levels.
Remember that children – particularly those who have access to the internet – may have read more than you expect. However, they may lack the critical thinking skills to determine fact from fiction effectively. There are plenty of reputable websites that can help dispel errors or misinformation like the BBC or the Government’s own websites.
What about more mundane communication? While it is important that children understand the current situation (to an extent), it is also important that the lines of communication remain open in a busy household.
Family Lives, a UK-based family support organisation outlines three types of communication between parents and children3. These are:
Organisation of an event or activity, or to check arrangements;
Bonding – genuinely sharing and learning about each other;
Chatting – idle conversation about unimportant issues.
All three sorts of communication will be important in the coming weeks. It is important that parents and children are aware of the types of communication and when they are appropriate. For example, it is okay for a child to interrupt a workday for an important organisational conversation. It is not appropriate for them to attempt to chat. Remember that what each type of communication is, and when they are okay are clearer to you as an adult than they are to a child. If you find for example, that your children regularly attempt to talk during times when you have to focus, it is worth speaking to them during a calm moment. Attempting to explain while you are stressed is likely to have negative outcomes. Explain to your child what is reasonable and what is not, and be mindful that you follow your own rules. It is unfair for a child who is working on home-schooling to be interrupted with idle conversation, and then be told off for doing the same to you during work.
Good communication is the result of setting out a number of basic elements. Parents should remember that communication is a two-way process, and make sure to listen as well as speak. According to the Australian department of social services4, this will help to encourage children and young people to do the same. Listening is an active behaviour – pay attention not only to what is being said, but also how it is said. Look at body language and be positive and encouraging. It can be difficult to listen under stressful circumstances, but that makes it more important.
Be clear with your intent. It is natural to be polite, or to seek to avoid conflict by your words, but if you have certain expectations of children it is important that they understand this. This is especially relevant for parents of adolescents. When talking to a teenager5, remember that they are going through complex physical and social changes. When you add in the complications associated with the need for self-isolation this can become overwhelming. Nonetheless, experts have been clear that teenagers in particular are not following the advice regarding avoiding social gatherings6. While it might be easy to react angrily if you learn that your teenage child has been to a party or been seeing friends, this is not necessarily the best way to react if you want them to listen.
Rebelliousness is a natural part of teenage life. In fact, brains develop during the teenage years to specifically be more likely to take risks6. This does not mean that they cannot understand risk, that they do not care or that they cannot be persuaded to behave differently. Communication, based on listening and respect are a parent’s best tool to getting a teenager to avoid a behaviour. In the context of the coronavirus, explain in reasonable terms why you need them to socially distance themselves. Listen to their concerns and worries about the effect of this, and do your best to mitigate them. Stress that this is not a ‘normal’ circumstance, like staying late at a party or using alcohol.
Remind them that this is temporary, and if practical offer them a reasonable incentive if they comply. This is not a ‘bribe’, but a mutually agreed reward for them to focus on when the temptation to socialise during lockdown is particularly strong. This does not have to be money – let them propose what they might like or offer family-based incentives like getting to choose a film, more screen time or having time when they are allowed to be alone to chat to friends digitally.
When communicating with children remember to be reasonable but consistent. If you explain the consequences of an action, and the children do not comply, you should follow through with any punishment. This applies for any positive consequences too – do not let the unique circumstances reduce the fun or family time that you normally enjoy. It is just as important to fulfil the promise to make pancakes for breakfast as it would be to instil discipline.
Time alone is important in maintaining communication as well. It is hard to keep your own composure if your family are constantly around, making noise and disrupting your already disrupted schedule. It is smart to plan time for each member to have time spent away – in another room, in the garden or the like. This gives them time to collect their own thoughts, and should help with communication later on.

https://www.unicef.org/cwc/files/CwC_Final_Nov-2011(1).pdf
https://news.un.org/en/story/2020/03/1059622
https://www.familylives.org.uk/advice/teenagers/communicating-with-teenagers/rules-of-good-communication/
https://raisingchildren.net.au/toddlers/connecting-communicating/communicating/communicating-well-with-children
https://extension2.missouri.edu/gh6123
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-wide-wide-world-psychology/201506/why-are-teen-brains-designed-risk-taking

Parenting Family, a social enterprise by Parenting Focus Limited Registered in N.Ireland No: NI30087. Registered Office: First Floor Unit 3 Hawthorn Office Park 39a Stockman’s Way Belfast BT9 7ET

Follow Us
Youtube Twitter Linkedin Instagram

Quick Link

Customer Area

Sign up to our newsletter

ParentingFamily - © 2022 All Rights Reserved

This website uses cookies to enhance your browsing experience and ensure the site functions properly. By continuing to use this site, you acknowledge and accept our use of cookies.

Accept All Accept Required Only