Dealing with Loss
Loss is an unfortunate part of life. Whether that loss be as a result of bereavement or changes in family relationships for some children, these will be particularly difficult events for children to deal with emotionally. Children will understand loss in different ways, depending on a number of factors. The most important of these is their age and stage of development.
For many children their first experience of loss occurs when a family member such as a parent, sibling or grandparent dies, or a pet has been lost or dies. This is followed by a period of grief. It is important to realise grief feels different to every child or young person and there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
The American Academy of Paediatrics1 breaks children’s understanding of death down into four main concepts:
- Irreversibility (that death is permanent).
- Finality (that everything the body does stops with a death).
- Inevitability (that death is universal for all living things).
- Causality (what causes death).
A child’s ability to understand and cope with each of these four concepts will help determine how they react overall to a death. It is therefore important for a parent supporting a child during a loss to understand generally how well they understand these concepts. A parent can help a child deal with death by explaining it in an age-appropriate manner. Speaking about death to a teenager is naturally very different than speaking about it with a toddler.
It is normal to want to shield your child from the harsh reality of a loss. It can be enormously challenging for an adult to speak about the loss of a loved one especially when they are grieving themselves. However, being too vague or making use of too many euphemisms can confuse a young child. A parent should try to be sympathetic, kind and emotionally supportive in their language and be alert to common physical signs of grief such as difficulty with sleep, changes in eating habits, inability to focus or uncontrollable crying.
It is also important for a parent to be aware of how their child grieves. Everyone processes grief in their own way. Therefore, not every child will behave in the same way. Nonetheless, there are a few things that children will likely do if grieving2:
- Babies and toddlers: looking for the person who has died, being irritable and crying more, being anxious and wanting more attention.
- Young children: Many of the same behaviours as above, as well as dreams about the person who has died, regressing in developmental progress, fearfulness.
- Older Primary-aged children: Many of the above behaviours as well as, blaming themselves, being easily distracted, feeling embarrassed or fearful, stomach or physical issues.
- Early Post Primary children: Being particularly anxious about friends and family’s safety, trying to please adults more than normal, feeling very strong emotions, being very focussed on what has happened.
- Teenagers: Being easily distracted, being generally unsettled and neglecting school or work, wanting to be alone or alternatively, being clingy, risk-taking behaviour to escape, pretending not to care or joking about the death.
So, how can parents help? The first thing is for younger children, try to continue normal routines as best as possible. While older children understand that a death temporarily upends life but that it will return to normal, a younger child might be fearful that everything has changed forever. Secondly, allow them to feel their emotions. Do not tell them how they must feel, instead give them space to feel fear, anger or grief. Parents should step in if a child is at risk of self-harm or if they seem to be getting beyond control. Attempting to stop them from expressing their emotions can cause further issues. Talk honestly about the death using age-appropriate language and avoiding expressions such as “passed on” or “gone to sleep” as these can be confusing, especially to younger children, and while it can be difficult to use the words death or dead, children will understand the situation more clearly when we do. Letting your child’s school know the child has experienced a bereavement will enable them to empathise with the child and be alert to changes in their behaviour that may be linked to grief.
If a person or a pet is likely to pass away, but has not yet done so, it may be worth speaking honestly to the child in advance. Rather than hide your own emotions from them reassure them that it is okay for you to grieve as well. Explain that death is a tragic but natural part of life. For younger children, give examples like plants or wildlife.
Never underestimate the import role a pet has played in a child’s life and allow the child time to grieve the loss rather than trying to replace the pet immediately. Some children will be quite accepting of the death while for others it can be a more difficult process.
Include children and young people in plans for the funeral. While they may not feel comfortable to attend, or you may feel they are too young to do so, they will cope better when they understand what is happening and they may want to contribute to the event in another way such as writing a poem, choosing a hymn, or drawing a picture.
A positive activity that can be done is to create a memory box. The NHS has a guide here to explain how to create one. Having a physical reminder of the lost loved one is a good way to deal with grief. Talk about the person or pet they have lost, share stories of special times and find ways to celebrate their life and the positive impact they have made on the family.
Children also experience the emotions and challenges of loss in other situations such as the death of a parent due to serious illness, incarceration, working away or parental separation. While not always possible it can be beneficial if both parents can talk to the child together so the child understands the changes and can be reassured that despite the changes, they are still a family. Where this is not possible parents should each talk to the child to reassure them that the situation is not the child’s fault and they are loved and important regardless of the changes in the family.
Parents should remember that they are not alone if they are struggling. It is important that you seek support yourself with grief if it is needed. This can be from loved ones, friends or if appropriate religious or spiritual leadership and also a GP may be able to refer on to grief counselling. If you or your child are struggling particularly hard with a loss, there are professional and charitable organisations who can provide support.
2- https://www.kidshealth.org.nz/bereavement-reactions-children-young-people-age-group
