Children and 5 stages of grief article

Children and the Five Stages of Grief

In an earlier article, available here we gave parents advice on helping children understand death and loss. This article will discuss the process of grieving and go through the five “stages of grief”. It will provide an overview of what the stages are, how they might present in children or young people and what you as a parent can do to help children through this.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross presented the five stages of grief in her 1968 book ‘On Death and Dying’¹. She suggested that people grieve in five distinct stages:

Denial
Anger
Depression
Bargaining
Acceptance

Kübler-Ross noted that these stages are not linear e.g People do not necessarily “exit” one stage and enter another. Nor is there a universal timeframe for how long someone might spend in one stage. As a parent, you might find your child switches between stages. They may change quickly, in hours – or stages may last for long periods of time. Additionally, people may have feelings associated with different stages all at one time. Do not think of the five stages as a roadmap towards acceptance. Instead, use it to think about what sort of support would be best for your child at any given time.

Stage 1: Denial

At this stage, children will usually deny the reality of what happened. They might cling to a false but preferable version of reality. If the lost loved one was particularly close to the child, they may refuse to accept that they are gone². They might for example insist that they will soon walk through the door alive and well. As a parent, it is important not to indulge this fantasy. Nonetheless, remember that denial in children is a natural defence mechanism.

They may not be able to cope with the shock of a loss and need time to process it. Parents should instead gently dispel any misconceptions and answer any questions. If you child needs more time to come to terms with the loss, it is reasonable to give them some time. If they seem unable to accept the loss even after a longer period of time it may be worth seeking further support.

Stage 2: Anger

Once children have accepted that someone they love is gone, they may express anger. Typically, they may attempt to blame someone they feel is responsible – the doctors or nurses or even God. They may be angry with the lost loved one for “abandoning” them. Often, they express anger at family members or other “safe” targets. Be aware that they may express anger at you³.

It is natural and important for them to express this anger. That does not mean you should allow them to get totally out of control. You can and should still set a limit on what is acceptable behaviour. Encourage them to talk about their feelings with a trusted person, maybe a friend or a loved one. Alternatively, a physical distraction such as exercise is a useful outlet. (Remember to follow government advice in these current circumstances with being outdoors).

Stage 3: Bargaining

Bargaining is a complicated form of grief. Before the loss of a loved one, children and young people may bargain to save them. They may pray, make outlandish promises or other changes. This is an attempt to feel in control and is often paired with guilt. A child may feel that if they had acted differently, or had (in their thinking) behaved better this would not be happening. Bargaining can serve as a distraction from the pain of the situation they find themselves in.

Parents should gently and calmly explain that no promise or deal can reverse the loss. They should reassure them that it was not caused by their own ‘bad behaviour’, and that they have no blame for the loss⁴. Understand that some children will need to do this, and that It should pass as they accept the loss.

Stage 4: Depression

Once this has passed, children will likely feel depressed. They may feel powerless, or lose interest in things that made them happy before and be more lethargic. Physical displays of emotion like crying are also common. This stage is often challenging for parents, because it is difficult for them to see their children experience this. However, a period of depression after a loss is normal and natural⁵. To not feel depressed after losing a loved one would be uncommon.

Parents should note that the depression experienced after a loss is not like clinical depression. While it can be a trigger for more serious issues, there is no reason to be immediately concerned. Instead, make efforts to allow children to express their feelings. Talk to them regularly, and ensure that they get enough sleep, food and water as well as physical activity. Kübler-Ross invited patients to see depression as a visitor – an unwelcome one, but one who would eventually leave. Depression forces us to slow down and process the feeling of loss which in turn helps us to move past it.

Stage 5: Acceptance

The final stage of grief is acceptance. In this stage, emotions have become more calm and stable. If the loved one is not yet gone, children may focus on the time they have left. Alternatively, if they have already passed away they may focus on positive memories and stories⁶.

The ‘support’ parents provide in this final stage is more nuanced. As your child is more emotionally stable, it can be productive to talk about the experience of grief with them. They will have learned a lot about themselves, and as a parent you can support them to ensure that in future the process of grieving is easier or more manageable.

Conclusion

Death is a natural part of life, and every person will eventually have to learn to deal with grief.

Remember that grief is not a straight line. Each experience and individual will be different. Rather than trying to “plan” for dealing with grief in children, parents should be aware of what is or is not normal.

1 – https://books.google.co.uk/books/about/On_death_and_dying.html?id=OeB-AAAAMAAJ&redir_esc=y

2- https://globalteletherapy.com/helping-children-cope/